I almost married a psycho.
This guy genuinely fit the bill when it came to narcissism. Not only that, but he also had some really weird mix of backwards minded religious views mixed in, making it even worse.
When we argued; it wasn’t the argument, it was my opinion that had to be changed and he only wanted to push his agenda. This was his idea of solving a problem and “compromising”.
Whenever I said something, he mirrored it in a way to relate and agree with me to a certain degree where it became ridiculous.
And the craziest part is, he was so good, so good at it too. So good at reading my mind and saying all the right-no– the perfect things.
At first it seemed impossible that I’d found someone that matched me so closely- and then there were all these “off moments” that all of a sudden clicked together and it felt like I could see behind the curtain. It’s crazy to think what a nightmare my life would’ve been if I didn’t see the signs right away.
So in conclusion, I hope my experience can benefit you since I know how hard and tough it can be doing things the halal or cultural way when it comes to marriage.
Here are some signs you should look for so that you don’t end up marrying a first-class douchebag like I almost did.
1. Have an Argument
Have you had an argument with this potential partner? I honestly don’t think you should move forward with things if you don’t know how they behave when they’re genuinely angry or violated by something; what is underneath their public persona? What is underneath all that cool? What facade are they keeping up? Not every guy is honest and going to tell you he has major anger issues. In my particular case he mentioned he’s impatient, but what he didn’t mention was how severely impatient he was and borderline angry and abrasive. Veins would pop off on his head when my sister would bring herself into a conversation because to a narcissist (or a douche in some cases) being bothered by something that they can’t gain from is irrelevant. For me, the fact that this person would get so angered by something like that and can’t keep it together seemed really telling. And yes, there are sometimes where in such instances it might be valid to respond in such a way- but the baseline is- evaluate the situation and consider whether their response was appropriate or highly inappropriate and high key alarming.
2. Women should dress a certain way
This goes beyond a narcissistic spouse. If someone tells you that a woman should dress a certain way because she’s a woman and she should dress a certain way because she’s a woman; then guess what, feel free to walk away without ever looking back. The next thing you know, a woman should be quiet because a woman should be quiet, and a woman should stay at home because women should stay at home. If they try justifying things based on your gender and your gender alone, then honestly do yourself a favor and walk away. How you dress is up to you, guilting or shaming you to dress a certain way is something they can argue with you about if they have a good reason to, but this shouldn’t be pushed down your throat. And in the grand scheme of things their reasons shouldn’t come from a misogynistic place or worse- a place of entitlement and prejudice that can carry itself over to other aspects of your life with this person.
Additionally, don’t judge his relationship with women based on his relationship with his mom and sister; consider how he treats other women you encounter. Does he only treat them nicely when they can benefit him in some way? How does he treat people who have nothing to offer him?
Jesus christ. This one boggled my mind at first. It didn’t make sense how I didn’t make sense. I was pretty sure I had a point and we talked about it- so what happened? I’m a fairly logical person and it’s never been an issue for me to get to the bottom of things when arguing with someone, so for me to suddenly not get the answers I laser focus on or to come out of a half-hour long conversation still confused as to what happened was really confusing. For example, in this case, Mr. Douche who’s been putting on this persona of a super square muslim guy looking for a good hijabi girl, somehow accidentally slipped and mentioned that he went on a trip to Europe once, and in one particular country his friends dragged him to a club at which I raised an eyebrow (if you’re already a shady guy and you mention this then ofc this is the reaction you’re going to get) which then somehow turned into a story about how he (as a real estate broker and developer) sometimes spends time with his clients at the club between the hours of 10 pm and leaves at midnight before the party starts for business purposes— but the club isn’t actually a club they call them something different in the country he lives in— so it’s not actually a club, but it is a club. So the point is; he’s definitely hiding something and I wouldn’t be surprised to find that he’s living a double life.
You can’t get a clear picture of who they are. It all makes sense but it also doesn’t. The picture they paint for you isn’t what you’re seeing. Trust your gut feeling; if something seems off then it’s off. If you’ve talked to this person for a while but still can’t picture what their day usually looks like or where they spend their time or what they do then proceed with great caution.
They talk so much about themself yet somehow you feel like you don’t know them because they are just telling you the things you want to hear or packaging their stories in a way that fits your personality. And they’re so damn good at doing it that it’s astounding.
5. Saying all the right things
Going back to the previous point I made, everything they say is up your alley. You like what you hear. It’s as if it’s a match made in heaven. You hate ordering drinks other than water because it’s empty calories? Oh my God me too, it’s absolutely ridiculous it’s just a waste of health its unbelievable, can’t believe I’m not the only one! Oh my God, you had gaps in your teeth when you were younger? Geez me too.
Mine got fixed as I grew older.
OMG mine too.
Yeah I think it’s a family thing, my dad had it too.
OMG my dad too.
OMG can you, like, shut up because there’s no way everything I’ve been saying to you for the past month is also you? Stop trying to mirror me. And I think this is the saddest part about meeting people like that; as narcissists they build these other personas of who they are to cover up their “true” shameful, useless and never-good-enough-for-anything-selves.
6. Deer caught in headlights moment
Because the charismatic and charming person you’re spending time with isn’t actually who they are, at certain moments and very briefly, you may catch them off guard some time and in that moment they will literally look like a deer caught in headlights before they put the mask back on. It’s almost scary because you realize the person you are with is not actually who you’re with; you’re with a complete stranger. No matter how much time you spend with them, you will never get to know the little boy or girl who’s hidden underneath this persona that you’re presented with nor will you ever.
7. You feel unsafe but not sure why
He could literally be handing you a tissue because you’re crying but something about that gesture may seem really off, there are no real feelings behind it. It’s part of a mask but intuitively, somewhere deep down; what is happening feels so wrong because it’s not adding up. Certain types of narcissists are prone to being violent and you need to beware if you feel unsafe for any reason. Realize you have the right to walk away at any point without the need to explain yourself.
Want to really know if you’re seeing someone who may potentially be a narcissist? Tell them you don’t care. Tell them you genuinely don’t care about something and see their response. They hate this word. They function on attention, and to say that you don’t care about something and not giving them a reaction is one of the most sure fire ways to rain on a narcissist parade. They live for attention. In fact, so much so that the only reason they care so much about you is because they like the attention you are giving them. They love that! They love being listened to and having someone shower them with their attention. Don’t settle for someone like this. Someone who’s consistently on some unpredicatble temperamental rollercoaster that you will never understand. It’s honestly just sad. Get yourself out of that situation asap. I don’t care if there’s pressure to get engaged and married, take your time knowing them and don’t dismiss any red flags that you see. You deserve to feel respected, listened to and free to be yourself and unless that’s what you’re feeling; move on.
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*Also, I’m aware of the astronomical number of grammatical issues that I commit on a daily basis. It’s a work in progress, don’t @ me!!